Contrition
by Steamboat Ghost
Summary: As Azula's self control crumbles under the pressure of madness, the conscience she's kept subdued breaks free to join her confusion. Chapter one is written before the final, chapter two is written after.
1. Contrition

**Author's note:** Contains spoilers from the Boiling Rock and to some degree the NYCC trailer.

The purpose of this writing was to explore what it would take for Azula to achieve a 'change of heart' similar to that of Zuko.

The inspiration for this came primarily from Wren Sharpbeak's "Chapter 16 'The Sanctuary': Segment 4 - "A Touch of Madness"" which spurred me into some serious thinking about Azula's character. The events of the Boiling Rock part II and the NYCC trailer also play their influential parts in this.

Thanks to fuzzytomato for proofreading, helping me edit a few lines, and picking out a fantastic title.

**Edit:** Rava77 points out that their are many similar details between my writing here and the Sozin's Comet book. Honestly, I was vaguely even aware of the books existence, let alone any details from it, so an similarities are pure coincidence.

* * *

**Contrition**

Sitting up in sudden wakefulness, breathing hard, feeling the sweat that clings to her skin, the perspiration on her scalp and under the haphazardly wrapped bandages on her body, Azula's eyes adjust to the light in the empty room around her. She had been dreaming, a nightmare she realizes as her memory returns to her, and with the memory comes an unbidden sob that rattles from deep within her.

She surveys the room, fear on her face, golden eyes darting around wildly, her lower lip quivering. Her mind is a cycle of unclarity, her thoughts circling back to their origins just as a conclusion seems imminent.

Her friends, where are her friends? What had she done to them...

Her brother, how could she have gone so far? Why had she been so cruel...

Her mother, what had she put her mother through? What had she done? Why did she...

Her father, why did she listen? Why did she follow? Why did she believe him? How could she have...

Herself, what had she let herself become? Why did she trade her conscious for power and control? Why did she...

* * *

Mai and Ty Lee had betrayed her at the Boiling Rock and were locked away for their actions, but Azula couldn't understand why they had acted the way they did. Why did they betray her? Why did Mai defy her and how could Ty Lee side with Mai instead of her? They feared her, she had made sure of it so they would never act against her, but they had despite her efforts. Why?

It didn't matter anyway. She had learned to survive with minimal interaction with those around her and the absence of friends was nothing new to her. After graduating from the fire academy for girls, Ty Lee left to join the circus and Mai joined her parents in the colonies. She had lived with no one but servants to order around and a father who let her do as she pleased while he managed a war. No mother to watch over her, no Zuko to tease, and no friends to interact with.

This new situation wasn't any different, she had told herself.

But the knowledge that she had somehow failed refused to leave her. Somewhere she had shown weakness and that was all Mai and Ty Lee needed to turn against her. If her two best friends were willing to betray her, then no one could be trusted.

With this in mind she made an extra effort to intimidate her servants, the guards, and anyone she came across in the palace. The more harshly she acted toward those around her, the more they began to talk behind her back, none plotting, but all worried and frustrated with the princess. The fact that they were talking about her was reason enough for Azula to dispose of them. The prisons began to fill up as more and more palace officials were locked up at her order and it wasn't long before she was locking away the jailers herself.

The palace had become practically empty, but still, she wasn't safe. After a terrifying experience returning to her room from the kitchens in the unlit palace halls one night, where every shadow and every sound was an assassin hired by some official she had failed to scare into submission, she had locked herself in her room.

Alone, she felt safe for a short while before the nightmares began to plague her. As she lay asleep at night, Mai and Ty Lee would sneak in, hover over her body ready to strike and the princess would awaken gasping to find no one. After burning the curtains of her bed to allow her to see the expected intruders, the princess would return to sleep to meet her mother's haunting image, condemning her for being what she was, for everything she'd done. Startled awake, Azula would search her room with a vicious fear, demanding her mother show herself before destroying everything in the room in search of the woman.

The dreams of Zuko scared her the most. Of everyone, he was the one she undoubtedly knew no longer feared her. She'd wake up in a cold sweat each time she fought him in her dreams. They all ended the same, a reflected lightning strike back at the princess, the electric shock striking her heart before permeating her body.

And then Zuko showed up at the palace one day as she was fearfully making her way to the kitchens.

She remembers the fight, Zuko confronting her, dropping his swords at his sides before igniting twin orbs of fire in his hands. She had laughed. Not her cold, intimidating laugh, but a laugh foreign to her that came out in gasps as blue flames danced on her fingertips. The fight was a blur, the only thing she remembers of it is that she refused to bend lightning, fearing her dreams might become reality.

Almost as soon as the battle started, it was over.

Zuko collapsed to his knees, propping himself up with one arm while clutching his chest with the other. Azula's eyes went wide behind her disheveled hair, her mouth falling open to ease her ragged breathing but her lips twitching upward in a victorious smile.

And then she arrived.

The Avatar's waterbender ran forward, mouthing Zuko's name, but the voice Azula heard belonged to her mother. Azula's eyes locked shut in a moment of disbelief, flinching under the sound, before reopening, sending a wave of panic washing over her as she found the waterbender gone and instead Ursa holding her fallen son, hands glowing with water as she cradled him in her arms, speaking with a soft desperateness to the prince.

"No! No no no no no!" Azula screamed, stumbling forward and collapsing to her knees, "He doesn't need you! He doesn't! I-I...Mom!"

Her mother looked up, unconcerned expression meeting the wailing girl's despairing stare for a brief moment before returning to her son.

Despondency crashed over the fire princess as the world began to spin around her. Losing her balance from where she knelt, she fell to her stomach before rolling to her side and curling in on herself.

* * *

A series of agonizing convulsions rocks Azula's body as she lies on the floor in the fetal position before a noise across the room pulls her out of her memory back into the present, back into the bed she lies in. 'Mom?' her mind shouts as her head jolts to the side to see her mother, only to recoil slightly when she finds the arrow headed Avatar approaching her instead.

"I hope you're not thinking about zapping me," Aang says half jokingly as he takes a seat at her bedside, chuckling slightly but quickly stopping when he sees the torment on her face.

"My m-mom, Ursa, w-where..." Azula gulps, "what happened..." she finally manages.

Taking a deep breath, Aang begins, "Zuko and Katara found your mom before the battle. She was...she was dying, bed ridden. She spent her last moments with Zuko—"

"I saw her!" Azula interrupts desperately, crazily, struggling to get out of bed and closer to Aang as if it will help him understand as she explains, "At the battle, when...I..."

She halts under his pitying expression.

"She wasn't there," he tells her again, "It was only you, Zuko, and Katara."

Lowering her head, unable to convince herself, Azula asks, "Zuko. Is he...did I..."

"He's going to be alright. He's lucky Katara was there."

"Where is he? Can I see him," Azula asks, pleading eyes meeting Aang's solemn gaze. He opens his mouth to speak, but she interjects quickly, "I just want to talk to him. I...I just need to—"

"He won't see you. No one will," Aang says, lowering his eyes and shaking his head, "They want nothing to do with you. They've left your fate up to me."

She understands, but she doesn't want to. Her jaw trembles, her breathing quickens, and her head begins to spin again. Never once do her thoughts stray to her father and she doesn't even consider trying to escape or hope someone will come to her rescue. Her desire for control and power are absent, replaced by an anguished conscious that understands why no one will see her, that understands this is the consequence of her actions, but doesn't understand how she allowed herself to become _this_ and do what she's done.

"I d-deserve to die," she stutters in a whisper, eyes closing as she whimpers painfully, "I've done...so many things...so many terrible things, I don't deserve to live."

"Maybe," Aang says somberly from where he sits next to her, looking away from the bed ridden princess, "We both deserve a lot, some negative, some positive." A sobbed breath prompts him to look back to the girl, "But its rare that anyone gets what they deserve, in this lifetime at least, and I'm not about to give it to you." Averting his eyes and letting out a long breath, Aang finishes, "I forgive you."

Its not an easy choice for him. She had killed him, and if Katara hadn't been there with the water from the spirit oasis the Avatar would have ceased to exist. She was behind so much pain during the final months of Sozin's War. But he's learned that people can change when they're willing, Zuko was example enough for him, and though the war is over and Azula cannot prove herself by joining his side as Zuko did, he's learned that forgiveness doesn't require proof of sorrow or a redeeming act.

Azula's eyes open wide, her mouth parting open in disbelief, to protest, to refuse, to just let out the pained cry she feels inside her, but instead she asks in quiet, tearful astonishment, "How can you forgive me? I-I killed you, in Ba Sing Se. And your friends, and everyone else, I—"

"Because you're sorry and you know what you deserve," Aang tells her, ending her confession and looking her in the eyes straight faced, "None of us are perfect, none of our wrongs can be redeemed. But where does that leave us? All we can do is forgive each other, forgive ourselves, and if we can do that then we'll do better in the future. What we deserve is never erased and so we can only rely on the charity of forgiveness to move on."

Arms lying limp at her sides, Amber eyes scrunched shut, Azula's face tightens painfully as she curls forward, ignoring the searing pain of the wounds on her stomach, shaking tensely, tears escaping her eyelids and coursing down her cheeks as her body throbs under the pressure. She can't handle it. Her once calm, collected, rational mind founded on irrational truths is now a disjointed mess of emotion and logic that can't even begin to fathom how she justified the things she's done. There's no excuse for her, no one and nothing to blame but herself for falling prey to it.

She knows she deserves death. She doesn't want it, but she can't accept the alternative either - to live, even with forgiveness. There's no compromise, no way out, and all she can do is cry.

She doesn't notice when the Avatar takes her hand, but as her fingers curve around his, returning his gentle squeeze, Aang knows it helps. It's all he can do. The rest is up to her.


	2. Contrition II

**Author's Note: **This is the second half of my "Contrition" peice, but I wrote to also function as a stand alone peice that follows the events of the show's final episode. I had a good deal of this written over a month ago but had decided not to upload it, but the Avatar final reinspired me into finishing. Thanks fuzzytomato for the editing help.

* * *

She watches as the Avatar walks into her room unannounced. She feels anger tighten within her and her mouth twists into a scowl, but at the same time a bombardment of accusations against her own feelings prevents her from speaking and her expression fades into hopelessness. She turns her ahead away, unable to look him in the eye.

"He'll see you now," Aang says as gently as possible.

He alone has seen her since she'd been confined to this lonely quarter of the palace, talking with her, trying to decide what to do with her. He's watched her since she woke up in despair, as she spiraled into vehement anger and just as quickly fell back into agonizing despondency.

"Okay," Azula mouthes silently.

Aang turns and nods to the host of guards waiting in the doorway.

Azula watches them come, eyeing what looks like a straight jacket being brought forward.

"Fire Lord Zuko orders she where a confinement girdle to prevent her from bending," a guard explains to the Avatar.

Aang looks to the princess with apologetic expectancy. She submits, eyes closing and jaw quivering, whether in rage or sorrow, Aang can't tell, as she holds her arms out and allows the guards to restrain her.

Aang only watches as the soldiers take her away, knowing that what takes place is between his friend and their former enemy, between Fire Lord and war prisoner, brother and sister. She turns back once before being pushed from the room and Aang catches her glance, her face an expression of restrained fear.

* * *

Azula is pushed to her knees in front of the Fire Lord's throne.

She remains kneeling before her brother, back arched and head drooping, hair a tangled mess hanging over her face.

"Leave us," he commands from behind the veil of fire.

The guards obey wordlessly, bowing and filing out of the throne room.

Azula doesn't look up, but she feels the flames in the room shift and senses her brothers footsteps as he descends from the throne.

"What am I going to do with you," Zuko's voice begins again, deceptively calm. She doesn't answer and continues staring down at the floor in front of her. His feet invade her vision and his voice is directly over her, asking harshly, "Well, what do you think? What do you deserve?"

A sobbing hiccup wracks her body in response.

She's met with a sharp exhalation as Zuko turns away from her, beginning to pace, speaking again, "You've always lied to me. Since we were kids, whether it was to humiliate me or for some other personal end, you said and did anything to get what you wanted." He stops a moment, eyes her angrily before continuing, "That's never changed. You tried to imprison me, tried to kill me. You manipulated me to your advantage in Ba Sing Se. You kept Mai and Ty Lee living in fear, you've ravaged the Earth Kingdom—"

"You played your part too," she interrupts accusingly, barely above a whisper.

The flames in the room blaze uproariously as Zuko whirls around shouting, "I'm not like you! I made the right choice! When have you ever acted without selfishness and cruelty?"

Teeth grit in fury, eyes blazing, he yanks at a chord hanging along one of the room's pillars and immediately the guards reenter.

"Aang might have forgiven you, but he doesn't know you like I do," he barks before turning to the guards, "Get her out of here. Lock her away indefinitely."

He glares at Azula as the guards wrench her to her feet, waiting for her eyes to flash open in hatred, waiting for the tears on her face to burn away and be replaced by a slew of venomous threats from her shuddering lips.

None of this happens and he's left alone in the middle of the throne room, breathing furiously as his anger tumbles viciously within himself. With the guards disappearance his eyes close and his breathing slows. The fires that light the room flicker and begin to dwindle. A tear sliding down his right cheek reflects the last glowing ember before he's left in darkness.

* * *

A feral shriek emanates through the prison.

Azula writhes violently within her restraints, snarling as she tries to twist herself free, feeling fire raging within her and letting it pour out her chapped lips. As she falls to the ground in her struggle, rolling and shifting in fierce agitation to free her arms, her movement stops abruptly as her mind resurfaces amid her tumult of emotion.

The conscience she had spent years to subdue torments her freely and suddenly she's prone to question any thought, feeling, or desire that passes her. She shakes visibly as the rational and irrational swarm within her, condemning each other relentlessly.

She wishes she could silence it and be the vicious, ruthless girl she was if only for the sake of clarity of mind. At the same time, the thought of being what she was causes a pained cry to escape her lips and she wishes she could start over, forget everything she's done so she can escape her circling thoughts.

As her head becomes more and more unfocused, the arguments within her winding tighter, becoming more and more irrational, she slips into sleep. As she lies in darkness on the floor of her cell, unmoving except for the gentle rise and fall of her chest disturbed only by the occasional sobs that tremble through her in her sleep.

* * *

A year. It had been a year since the Fire Lord had imprisoned her. During that time no one had come to visit her. Not her brother. Not her friends. Not even the Avatar. No one.

Alone she had pitifully struggled under the lashes of her conscience, set free by madness, empowered by isolation.

The bars of her cell slide open and she looks up grimly as the female guard speaks, "The Fire Lord wishes to see you."

Azula opens her mouth to speak, but words are lost to her and her breath catches in her throat as she's hoisted to her feet and lead away.

* * *

She enters the throne room, eyes blinking as she takes in all the changes. No longer is it the dark, fire lit room full of shadows and intense heat but instead a well lit chamber. Windows that had long been sealed are uncovered and where once a barrier of fire stood that concealed the Fire Lord was nowhere to be found. She stares at her brother, a year older but looking much the same as she had remembered him.

The guards stop her and she waits to be pushed to her knees. When nothing happens she turns to find the guards exiting behind her. She hears her brother rise and wordlessly she spins around, avoiding eye contact as she prostrates herself before him.

"You don't have to," he says wearily.

Her eyes open at this and she straightens her back, but remains kneeling, avoiding his gaze. She hears him sigh and is taken aback when he walks over to her and takes a seat on the floor in front of her..

"I don't know where to start," he finally says. She glances up at him and realizes that he can't make eye contact with her either. "It's been chaotic since the war ended. Decisions to make, rebellions to quell, treaties to sign. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but..." he sighs again, "I don't know."

Azula remains silent. She doesn't know what to say.

"I was angry," Zuko starts again, "the day I sent you away. You haven't left my thoughts since then. I'd spend days reading proposals, seeing officials, trying to find what enjoyment I could when Aang or anyone else was around, but when there wasn't anything to distract me, I thought of you."

He looks up and meets her gaze, "I'm sorry I never came to you, that I never even tried to talk to you."

"You did the right thing," Azula manages, "Don't feel sorry for me."

Running his hand over his forehead, eye closing as his fingers course through his hair, Zuko states, "I...I've never stopped thinking how much I must have looked like dad, when I sent you away, and..."

He's thought it since the day of her imprisonment and though its troubled him he's always managed to keep his feelings in check, but now that he admits it aloud, to her, he can't help the quiet breakdown of tears that comes over him.

She doesn't know what to do, how to comfort him, and carefully she reaches out and takes his hand in what she hopes to be a comforting manner. Zuko collapses forward, rejecting his sister's hand and instead embracing her. Her eyes widen in shock a moment before she tentatively raises her arms to return the gesture.

"You're not dad," she hears herself whisper, "You've always been better than him...better than me. You listened to your conscience, you thought twice about your actions."

She feels Zuko tremble a moment as he chuckles between tears, "You sounded like mom just now."

The comparison throws her over the edge as well and her strength leaves her. Its only through Zuko's embrace that she remains upright as she cries quietly, "I am nothing like our mother."

"Azula—" Zuko begins, pulling away and holding her at arm's length before she interrupts him.

"I thought she loved you more...I hated her for it. But I gave her every reason to love you and hate me, I was terrible, I—"

"She loved you," he says, "She told me, before she passed away. I didn't understand at the time—"

"Stop!" Azula cries out louder than she means, then again quietly, "Please, stop."

Silence passes between the siblings as they sit facing each other but avoiding eye contact. Neither are completely comfortable breaking down in front of the other the way they just have, despite the sincerity and emotion behind their words.

Finally Zuko speaks up, "You're free to go, if you want."

"What?" she asks in disbelief.

"I don't want you to go back to prison."

"Zuko, I—you can't...you can't trust me. I don't even trust myself."

"I'll try if you try," he says, forcing a smile. When she doesn't reply, doesn't even look up, he speaks again, "If you can't trust yourself, then trust me. You've changed, I can see it. I want you to live in the palace again. I want you to be happy."

"I don't deserve this..." she begins.

"Come on," Zuko states tiredly, standing up and helping her to her feet, "I'll walk you to your room."

Azula meets her brothers sincere expression and smiles weakly, without menace or hidden agenda, without cruelty or wicked enjoyment.

Zuko sees that she still doesn't forgive herself, but in time, surrounded by those who have forgiven her, he hopes she'll walk the same path to redemption that he chose.

* * *

**End Note:** It's become clear to me that I left a lot of things unclear in the writing and I thought I'd try to share my thoughts.

Azula's change isn't probable, but personally I think its possible. More than likely her insanity will empower her desire for power and snuff whatever had remained of her conscience (we had seen what remained of Azula's conscience in "The Beach" when she recognized that as a child she was a monster). Less likely, but the option I took with this story, is that her madness causes her to lose all the mental self control she has, prompting the 'freedom' of what remained of her conscience.

As reader Grayswand points out, it just doesn't seem right for Azula to be left off the hook the way Zuko did. My justification for this is that even though Azula has done so many bad things, Zuko doesn't have a clean slate either, he just 'got out' before Azula did.

Azula is easy to blame, since both she and Ozai can be seen as the 'figureheads of evil', but thats just pinning the blame. Neither of them are wholly responsible and putting her on trial just to satisfy people who see her as the cause behind everything isn't justice. We're not looking for justice for the abused, but rather justice for the accused. Justice for Azula is that she get what she deserves; she seems to think its death, others would likely say life imprisonment.

Through Azula, Zuko realizes that just because he got out when he did doesn't mean he's in the clear. A wrong is a wrong, even if something right is done to counter the wrong, the fact that the wrong took place isn't erased. Azula knows this; she believes that nothing she can do will redeem her, even if others think she is redeemed. Zuko is just realizing this, figuring out that even though he changed sides and helped end the war and everyone excuses his wrongs because of his rights, his wrongs are still there.

For justice to be served, both Zuko and Azula need to be given what they deserve for their wrongs. But Zuko is in the position to give mercy, both to himself and to Azula. He gives it to himself because despite his wrongs, he seeks to do right. That's his reason (or excuse, depending how you look at it) for not giving himself what he deserves (and because most everyone else has shown him mercy). He gives the same mercy to Azula because even though she's done wrong, he sees in her the desire to be in the right. Along with Zuko's mercy, Azula must give herself mercy (the story ends with that decision up in the air).

As head of government, Zuko's mercy is likely final and treated as absolution. In other forms of government, it may be the case that even though Zuko has given Azula mercy, someone else may not and demand that Azula receive justice. However, in such a society, Zuko would be at the same risk of receiving justice if someone called for it. But, since Zuko is Fire Lord, I'm assuming his word is law.


End file.
